Finally...

I am on Spring Break!

I am sincerely thankful that my hometown is famous for it's championship golf week in April. I am even more grateful that, because I drive past the glorious Magnolia Way EVERY DAY on my way to school, the entire CSRA (Central Savannah River Area- for the non-locals) cancels school for the week and my family tends to get the heck out of town! I only had to spend 2 days in the yellow fog of pollen before escaping into the glorious, although a bit windy, beach weather. No wonder these people live happier. They have spanish moss AND no pollen smog.

Regardless, I'm taking the week for my personal siesta from life.
Yes, I graduate in 30-something days.
No, I do NOT have a plan for what I'm going to do afterward.

Fear is a funny thing. It takes many different approaches into settling into our lives. For me it starts as a small passing thought and snowballs into an overwhelming sense of depression. I am constantly concerned about the future of my life and love. I am continually reminded that time waits for no one, and I am already 25 and unmarried (don't worry people, I'll get there!). A new concern, that yes, I generally joke about, is my graying hair and my ticking maternal clock. The largest and most looming at this point is what will become of me in October?

I've been told that I will be able to keep my job at Center for Primary Care Central through September. This came as a great relief because I felt certain that I would have to leave when I finish classes (and have the need of full-time money). I know that somewhere, somehow God has a place and a plan for me. But today... it feels like wilderness on all fronts. Yes, there is provision and there is blessing. But there is also confusion and worry and circling a deserted land. For the sake of others, I won't go into detail but the gist is that some days I am afraid and worried and question the hand of God on my life. Does this attitude remove his hand? Absolutely not! In fact, I believe that my ability to speak (and sometimes scream) that out to God is the most honest thing that I can do toward him. My questions and fears do not insult or injure God. They don't detract from his ability or the faceted-nature of his personality and good-will. I am afraid. God is bigger than that.

Easy to say, hard to believe sometimes. I have dreams and I hold to promises that I can neither manipulate into realty nor see evident now. My typical desire is to just force the puzzle pieces to fit even when they clearly don't. I see one corner of the final work completed and I instinctively know what the rest of the picture should be like. AND the order and timing of all the messy pieces. And along, I'm confident God is watching saying, "Maybe this time you'll trust me. Don't you trust me? I cannot fail you, remember? I want you to win because your heart is good! Just let me lead you." And I move along headstrong in the wrong direction because in selfishness, I convince myself that I know best.

Perhaps the reason that this particular season in my life is so "petrifying" is because I'm making a genuine effort to not do that this time. I want to be right in the middle of where God wants me right now and tomorrow, not just 30 years from now. There is a verse that I keep paraphrasing in my head when I am overwhelmed by the "bigness" of this season, It's from Psalm 139, which we use so often to address worth and body image issues, but I have a tad different way of thinking than most. See, when I read Psalm 139, I get the hints about body image and worth, but the main thing I gather is that God sees ME. He knows my name and he knew every moment of mine before even a single day had passed. This says to me that God has an answer and solution prepared and refined to perfection far before I even know there's an issue to be discussed. (I read from the Message version a lot because it makes more sense to me. Please don't criticize that, I just want to understand and connect what I'm reading otherwise what's the point!?)

Psalm 139: 14-16

You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

I have yet to learn something profound about fear, worry, provision, and the timing and plans of God. All I know is that when major changes are made, when projects fail, when light shines on the dark hidden things, I want to be found telling the truth and living in the hand of God. So for now, I look for verses and I connect with the ones about fear and worry. My heart today is somewhere in Deuteronomy wandering with the Children of Israel.



Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice. Isaiah 41: 10

(For the Lord thy God is a merciful God;) he will not forsake thee, neither destroy thee, nor forget the covenant of thy fathers which he sware unto them. Deuteronomy 4:31

Be strong, courageous, and firm; fear not nor be in terror before them, for it is the Lord your God Who goes with you; He will not fail you or forsake you. Deuteronomy 31: 6

It is the Lord Who goes before you; He will [march] with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; [let there be no cowardice or flinching, but] fear not, neither become broken [in spirit--depressed, dismayed, and unnerved with alarm]. Deuteronomy 31: 8

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For me, graduation is not only the ending of a life long educational pursuit, but a beginning to a mystery. And for once, I'm not trying to solve the mystery on my own.