A Christmas Post

As I sit and review my hectic Christmas Eve, I am tired but pleased to have been as used as I was today. You see it's one thing to do one or two things that your good at, but if you're like me, creativity is what I'm good at. And how do channel that into one field or the other? You can't really, because all the ideas bleed together to create more of a kaleidoscope of possibility rather than a simple sparkle on an old concept. On the other hand, while I'm pleased with my efforts (and the TREMENDOUS support of the staff and volunteers at Genesis Church!), I have a tinge of guilt at having used so many volunteers, assigned so many songs, and gave so many technical requests. There will never be methods adequate enough for me to thank the countless people for the countless hours that they gave in order to make our Christmas Eve service work, much less our weekly Sunday service. I'm blessed beyond measure.
How interesting it is that I am on staff at a church in my hometown with a heart lined up so dearly to my own! I get to do missions work in the comfort of my own neighborhood. If you don't know, our church targets the unchurched and those who have been hurt by the church, which sometimes means we have to start with the very basics and teach WHY we worship and WHY we pray and WHY we attend services and small groups regularly. But o, the joy when a family or individual begins to "get it!" They start to see that God isn't quite the ogre that so many churches make Him out to be. We sing a song at our church that says, "Our God is Love..." (scripture says that too by the way). But I really believe that's become the banner over my heart, the love and not the law, THAT is who God is. There's a scripture too that says it His kindness that leads to repentance.

Of course all of this I did know before, but how pleasant that during the Christmas Eve service where I was stressing over lighting and sound and cuing actors, God just tugged a little at my heart to say that He loved me. I'm nothing special and I certainly don't feel that, considering my "story," I deserve a place in ministry or even church leadership. But God's justice often works backwards to what we feel. Because His justice is rooted in love, He sees us as we can be. He dreams for us grander than what we could ever expect for ourselves.

God justifies us- meaning he fills in the gaps where we can never measure up!- and covers us with His love in order for us to flourish in our various roles and tasks in life. We could do nothing right, literally nothing, without this Redeeming King that came so long ago as a tiny cradled baby. He is our only hope of salvation, but not only that. He's our only hope for fulfillment and a full heart! The God who knew us before we were even formed, knows the dreams we have and crafted the most inward desires of our hearts, and He, God of the Angel-armies, is working on our behalf to see to it that we are met with the most ideal circumstances to have those dreams and desires realized. Our God IS love.

Merry Christmas. May you find fulfillment in the new and daily opportunities that God is offering you to live and to live well.




P.S.
Here's a new find that I adore: www.pictable.org This guy, Todd Damotte, is an amazing artist and speaker! We used a sick-awesome video of his tonight in our Christmas Eve service at Genesis Church. It was perfection. Here's a link to the video that got me hooked! See his website for more info, resources and booking info! What a artist!

So much has happened!

So much has happened in just a few short months! I'm nearing the end of my TEFL class and I'm in full Christmas-swing at Genesis Church (and LOVING it, I might add!). Also, I'm dreaming big alongside Carrie Bowen and Ashley White (the newest member of the Yes I Am staff) for service opportunities and musical journeys in 2011! It's going to be a fantastic New Year and the idea machines get no break during this season!

It really IS the most wonderful time of year, I think. (I mean technically my favorite season is the fall, but mainly for selfish reasons like- I have cuter cardigans than I do heavy coats, my birthday is in November, etc.) I love that Genesis Church has let me direct the Christmas drama, which is spanning several weeks and culminating on Christmas Eve! I feel slightly under-qualified but I am honored and we're having such great fun- and to be honest... it's not cheesy at ALL! (*Sweet relief! -Cheesy dramas kill me.)

I am very thankful this season to be challenged by Pastor Chris to do a double take at the birth, life, death, and resurrection of Christ by reading the gospels! God is showing me some pretty amazing things about all the circumstances of his ministry and the nature of the personality of Christ. As always, I'm searching for fresh revelation this season!

In other news...

I happened upon a new (to me) guitar this season and the songs have been falling out of it. It's a bit miraculous actually! Ha. Not quite solely a divine occurrence though, I mean I do 8million rewrites before anyone can see/ hear them, but they do just initiate on their own. How lovely! Stay tuned for more deep thoughts and musical plans from me. It make take a minute to find the words to say all the things in my head and heart, especially when they're struggling to agree.

Also, I got to bask in the creative-writing glow that radiates off the darling Brooke Fraser last month. She is pretty much a clever skinny doll that is staple in my life at this point!


Pictures to catch you up quicker...











videos to add to the madness!

The Story and the Plan...

THE STORY

It's been a tumultuous time in my life.
On the closing of one chapter, naturally, a new one begins and this time the transitions have been fraught with fear, heartache, uncertainty, insecurity, and yet GREAT expectation. If you look at temperaments on a sliding scale, I chronically slide to the terrified side of ecstatic. Let me start at the end of the last chapter and catch you up to where we are now:

On the day of my college graduation ceremony, I had no idea what "big girl" job awaited me or IF there was one to be had. I knew that I still had to finish my summer classes and that my current (still) job at the doctors office was more than willing to work with me on scheduling. (Shout out to the most gracious workplace ever by the way!) So I worked and studied my way through the long hot summer and finally received my degree in August.

Because this is the year of Baby-mania, two ladies from my office were going on maternity leave about that time, making it feasible for me to work full-time through the transitional time period. So I worked and considered my options and formulated a plan for the next major move. Suddenly doors started opening and opportunities were beginning to overwhelm me. I considered some fantastic undertakings (many of which I still pray for and about because I believe in them so deeply). And then, after a casual conversation with my sister which I will never forget, my heart settled on an endeavor which I am still terrified of.

Which is this: I have been studying to qualify for my TEFL Certification by means of an online course through the TEFL Institute based in Chicago. TEFL is the acronym for the Teaching of English as a Foreign Language. There is another, similar program called TESL which is the Teaching of English as a Second Language. Generally they are synonymous but technically, English as a Foreign Language is taught in nations where English is not the dominant language, and English as a Second Language is taught in places like the US, Australia, Great Britain, etc. While it would be much easier to teach in an English-dominant environment, I do not feel that this is the direction I need to go at this time. As many of you know, I graduated with a minor in Spanish and I also have a big ole bleeding heart for missions! While my job placement is still to be determined, my top preferences are in Costa Rica, Spain, or Argentina.

In the midst of all my planning and mental/emotional preparation, an interesting thing occurred! My music pastor called me into his office for a meeting wanting to be better informed about how I was doing, what my goals were (and are), etc. I was very honest with him saying that I was strongly considering TEFL but that I still simultaneously felt called to help lead in worship. We discussed this several times, both of us trying to get a better grasp on what exactly that might look like. Within a couple weeks, he then called me with a local job opening that he knew of. The church only needed someone part time but it was here in the area and Pastor Steve had recommended me in hopes that it may work for the indefinite season at hand!

I met this new pastor and his wife along with another highly involved couple from the church over dinner and we seemed to hit it off almost instantly. They are a tight knit group with a heavy heart for the lost people of the area and those who have wounded by churches or church people in the past. After several hours of laughter and honesty (and one memory that NONE of us will forget!), we parted ways for us all to pray and consider. The next step was to visit the church and see if the body described matched the body alive. My mother went with me and it did indeed! What we found was a warm and vibrant place with no hidden expectations and no visible divisions! Worship was genuine and the people were tender.

Next I met Pastor Chris and Heidi (his amazing wife!) over coffee and we continued to speak honestly about my goals and the goals of the church. I was upfront with them about my intention to take a teaching contract abroad and they seemed very understanding and even comfortable with that information. I then was asked to lead worship as a guest one Sunday. That was a joy and an experience I will never forget. There is nothing as defining as being stripped of all the familiar (I didn't even play my own guitar!) and still seeking the presence of God. But with the help of the dedicated Genesis worship team, seek it we did! And no, it wasn't a shout down service, but YES God met us. Still a little uncertain of each other, I lead as a guest again this past Sunday. And again, the church was so loving, the team was so faithful and steady, the message was so unwavering yet relevant, and AGAIN, God met with us. I went to lunch with the pastor's family and some of the elders and their spouses immediately following the service and it was just a joy. We scheduled a meeting time for Monday morning, and on Monday morning, I agreed to serve as the worship leader for Genesis Church until an ideal TEFL opportunity opens up.

THE PLAN

I will serve as the part-time worship leader at Genesis Church until I leave for a contracted TEFL position. This will include staff meetings, scheduled rehearsals, worship services, and overall commitment to Genesis Church. My job at Center for Primary Care will continue in some capacity until I leave the country. Then when I have secured a TEFL position, I will relocate to that country and serve my contract teaching English and being active in the community and in the local church in order to further enhance my Spanish knowledge and fluidity.


Please forgive the secrecy, but I wanted to guard myself and my family from as much empty commentary as possible. I felt that this method might serve to better inform those who I know care about me, but also to give opportunity for each to digest the information at their own pace, and not to give too little or too much information to some and not to others. I have included a list of frequently asked questions but please keep in mind, the bulk of these questions that my mom and dad, sister and myself, as well as Pastors from both Genesis Church and New Hope, have all raised. I do not have all of the details of either of these steps of the process worked out, but I do know that God is in the details.

Please don't hesitate to pray for me and all encouragement is welcome. This will be a transition for all of us. Not only myself, but those who have come to love me in their church body, on their worship teams, in their city, and eventually even in their very nation. I will never know every step of the journey, but I know that Genesis is the immediate step ahead, and TEFL is the second. Beyond that is still a mystery, and for once, I don't fear it.


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FAQs:
When will you get a job doing the TEFL thing? --The international job market works basically the same way that the traditional American job market does. This means that I have to find openings, submit my resume, and go through some sort of interviewing process before being offered any positions.

How will you even find a TEFL job? --One of the reasons that I selected the certifying institution that I did, is because they offer students a job placement service. There is no guaranteed position, but the institution will work on my behalf to connect me with job listings that I might be interested in, as well as advising me on what information I need from the various employers to better make decisions.

So will you be on an extended missions trip or what? --I will always carry Jesus in my heart and I will always strive to love people as Christ did. Because I will be an educator, I will have to do research, the results of which will vary from country to country, on any laws or restrictions that might be in place. While I want to evangelize, my job will be my means (I will not solicit sponsorships) and that cannot be put into unnecessary risk. I do, however, fully intend to find a local congregation and serve there as much as my schedule will allow.

Will you live alone or with a family? --That depends on the type of institution that hires me. All of that information will be contractual though so I will know ahead of time, just not before I find the job.

How long will you be abroad? --Typically contracts range from six months to a year depending on the hiring institution and the country welcoming me. There have been contracts as short as three months though. My intention is to take a shorter contract if possible in order to gain the experience and then decide further if a longer stay would be right for me.

Where is this Genesis Church? --Genesis Church has offices off of Evans to Locks Road but has it's Sunday services in the Columbia County Library Theatre in Evans, Ga. (Approx. 5 mins from my current home.)

What do we know about this church? Are they even Pentecostal? -- Genesis Church is in fact affiliated with the Church of God but takes a very modern and relevant slant to that. The thing that I most love is that they are unwavering on the truth of who God is, his standards for right living, and the reality of the Holy Spirit. For a closer look into the church itself, check out their website: www.genesischurchonline.com

Are you really a staff member if they know you're going to leave eventually? --Yes. Although I may be serving in interim, I am no less a staff member and have no less the expectation of such.

Does this mean you're never coming back to New Hope? --Not necessarily. While New Hope will always be my "home church," my position as a staff member makes it imperative that I give myself over to the overall mission of Genesis Church for the time that I do serve. Because I intend to go abroad, I certainly wouldn't be able to be involved on campus at New Hope during that season. And because I cannot (and will not) commit myself further at this time, I cannot say definitively that I will NEVER come back to New Hope or that I certainly WILL come back to New Hope.

How is it that you see benefit in being on staff at a church that you yourself won't commit to indefinitely? --I see benefit in being where there is a need that I can work to fill. Genesis Church needs someone who does what I do. I need to be somewhere where I can learn how to better do what it is that I do. There is a bluegrass song that says: "Where does the teacher go? Wherever she thinks the people need the things she knows." Now I'm no expert, but I do have experience in leading worship and developing new musicians as well as working on creative teams. This will be a great learning experience for all of us though, as learn how to better lead (meaning both what TO do and what NOT to do), and the team gleans from the pocketful of experiences that I do have.

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If you are interested in TEFL, shoot me an email or check out this website: www.teflinstitute.com

Haunted by an idea...

I once bought a pack of cards which said, "Wisdom is close to the ground." That sentence has haunted me ever since.

Gina, a long-time friend and one of my mentors, told me during a particularly low point, "God tends to make the somethings when there's nothing." Again... haunted.

One of my favorite verses in Bible (Thanks to Haley Lamb!) starts out, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..." (Psalm 13:12)

I'm noticing a trend here... something about good from the broken and flattened, empty spaces of life.

It's come to the literal end of an era. I have taken my last undergraduate exam, turned in my last research paper, met my professional portfolio requirements, and completed all of my exit interviews. I have finished college.

This... is truly an exhilarating feeling. The seven-year, yes SEVEN, journey has ended well. And as quickly as there is a rush of excitement, there comes just behind it, a sinking feeling. No longer is the next step mapped out for my by course requirements v. availability. No, now it's up to me, and if I choose one job and not the other, or one city and not the other, or even one project and not the other... well it's like Robert Frost said in his over-quoted poem, The Road Not Taken:

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Whatever I choose now has the power to determine, or at least aid in determining the future of my life. Because I care about things like God's will and personal assignments in the Kingdom according to our giftings, I consider this with much weight. I do want to be fulfilled in every way: Relationally, Maternally, Spiritually, Professionally, Artistically, Musically... etc. I am convinced that the key for me to attain such fulfillment is for me to stay in the center of the will of God, which, by the way, is a funny thing.

The more I learn, the less I understand about God and His will. I do know, however, that No.1- God cannot fail (Daniel 4:35), No.2- He withholds no good thing from those that love Him (Psalm 84:11), No.3- There is purpose in the me that He has created (Psalm 139:16), and No.4- His request of me is clear and simple (Micah 6:8). That's it... that's all I know. So as I figure out how to work my huge success of completing my degree into the handful of things I know for certain, please keep me in prayer. There are endless possibilities and infinite combinations of cities and projects that may gain my labor. All I need now is wisdom to know which to choose, and which to leave undisturbed.

----

“Awake, my soul! Awake, harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn. I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies” (Psalm 57:8-10).

“O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me” (Psalm 63:1-8).

“‘My food,’ said Jesus, ‘is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work’” (John 4:34).

Favorite.

Seriously...

I had the opportunity (for the second year in a row! yehaw!) to go on a Historic Augusta Downtown Loft tour. This year, it happened to fall on First Friday, which is an excuse for all Augustans (and those nearby) to come out of the wood work and be a real city for a night. There are live bands on nearly every corner of downtown and there are stands set up randomly on the street with all sorts of vendors and wacky crafts and people walking their crazy looking dogs and dancers and fire people... ITS OVERWHELMING but it's definitely my favorite thing about Augusta. ESPECIALLY on nights when the Annual Loft Tour is in-progress.

Anyway, saw some great homes, had some great laughs, shared a few awkward conversations, and sipped some amazing lemonade-iced tea from Casa Blanca.

The breakdown, this band was super fun and YOU SHOULD LOOK FOR THIS EVENT NEXT YEAR!

Amistad.

The friends that I have, I hold very dear.
I know a lot of people, but please don't misunderstand. I am close to maybe a handful of those beautiful smiling faces. In fact I used to have written criteria (not kidding, how sad is that?) for the qualities I look for in a friend. I'll have to find it and dig it out but I remember one of the requirements was humor. Evidently I can't be friends with anyone that I can't laugh with. I do think this important for all relationships, including the one with yourself, but I tend to take things a bit far.

The googler that I am, I looked up friendship and found that Wikipedia (not the most reliable source so don't quote me) had this to say about "friendship" : Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:

the tendency to desire what is best for the other
sympathy and empathy
honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
Mutual understanding
Mutual Compassion

Using only that description, I have maybe 10 friends in the world. I shan't name them (that's right I said shan't), because I genuinely don't want to hurt anyone ever. But it makes me realize how silly people can be and how decieving popularity can be. How many people do you know that can advocate honesty, even when they know it's going to hurt you, them, or both? I think I only know 10. Which is NOT bad! I'm surprised I could count that many really... not because I "feel so alone" or "think no one likes me"- Just because I don't think I let many people in. It terrifies me. I think it scares me because I know that I'll never be as good of friend as I want others to be to me, even though, people who know me know that I try really hard. I have a puppy personality really. Annoyingly faithful at times.

Also from Wikipedia: "The conventional wisdom is that good friendships enhance an individual's sense of happiness and overall well-being. But a number of solid studies support the notion that strong social supports improve a woman’s prospects for good health and longevity. Conversely, it has been shown that loneliness and lack of social supports are linked to an increased risk of heart disease, viral infections, and cancer as well as higher mortality rates. Two female researchers have even termed friendship networks a “behavioral vaccine” that protects health and mental health."

We need each other. We have to be ourselves to really connect though. This will free us to further need each other and further be who we were meant to be.

What does scripture say?

A friend loves at all times, and is born, as is a brother, for adversity. Proverbs 17: 17

He who covers and forgives an offense seeks love, but he who repeats or harps on a matter separates even close friends. Proverbs 17: 9

Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are lavish and deceitful. Proverbs 27: 6

Oil and perfume rejoice the heart; so does the sweetness of a friend's counsel that comes from the heart. Proverbs 27: 9

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. John 15:12-15

Commencement

I have walked across the stage at the James Brown Arena, wearing a black cap and gown with a white tassel and a gold medallion. I processed in, and back out, in perfect alignment with my peers participating in the event of "commencement."

What does that even mean? (I googled it... very reliable)

Commencement –noun 1. an act or instance of commencing; beginning: the commencement of hostilities. 2. the ceremony of conferring degrees or granting diplomas at the end of the academic year. 3. the day on which this ceremony takes place.

So this thing that I already participated in, marked both the beginning and the ending.

It is the ending of era for me. The closure to a long and winding road through many many semesters of not only college but formal education in general. I have attending school in one form or another since the fall of 1989. It's been a long road ladies and gentlemen. This means more than the obvious adios to binders and notebook paper and cramming and overcharged greasy lunches. This means no more spelled out formula for what comes next. True, I've mentioned this before... but follow me...

In elementary school, after third grade comes fourth and so on. After middle school comes high school. And after high school, for most, comes college. Once in the college club though, it gets a bit more tricky but you quickly learn that ever August and January there are more classes for you to take, either aimlessly or with a goal in mind, and eventually you find yourself filling up what is infamously known as a "track sheet." As this fills, excitement builds with both you and your advisor. There is an anticipation that builds at the prospect of graduating. And then you actually do...

And then...

An awesome meal later and a few dozen cards chock-full of well wishes... and there is an emptiness and uncertainty. Not to be melodramatic, it is the same emptiness and uncertainty that accompanies all new beginnings. True, I am still battling through the job market. I've dosed out my resume to companies, churches, organizations, and foreign teaching programs and still have no clear plan. Is it the end of the world? No. Is it a bit unnerving? Most definitely.

Summary (for those Choleric or otherwise ADD):
"My dad says that childhood is the happiest time of my life. But, I think he's wrong. I think my mom's right. She says that childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too..." -Hope Floats (1998)

the Man in the Mirror

(or woman :)

Type in "Know your worth" into Google. What you get back is a list of Salary Wizard Calculators and Women's Empowerment blurbs. Yikes. Neither of those really resound in me. Clearly I'm not so naive to think that my self-worth is strictly the amount of money I could be making, nor do I think that because I'm a woman, I'm supposed to super-inflate my standards and expectations to an unrealistic level that leaves me disappointed with everything and everyone.

But I personally believe that the concept of knowing your worth as a person and as a child of God (as cliche as that sounds) is directly related to your level of effectiveness in the kingdom. These seem quite unrelated to most people, especially Christians. Anytime I've mentioned anything like that to believers they look back at me with this awestruck expression. I haven't really uncovered anything novel, but maybe I've simplified it and stated it so directly that there's no mistaking the point.

Think for example what you "see" when you look into a mirror for, oh say, five minutes. I know that's kind of a long time to spend just looking at yourself. But what I've realized is that, on days when I'm struggling to see myself as anything more than an overweight screw up with bad skin and awkward fashion sense, I can't look myself in the eyes. But on the days when I can honestly say that I am beautiful and I have great and positive God-things inside that make me dynamic and unique, I can manage through those five minutes of self-eye-gazing.

If we are believers and have such a hard time finding positive qualities (both internal AND external) about ourselves, how in the universe can we expect to have the exciting and dynamic personal ministry that we believe God purposed for us? I say we can't. I sometimes think maybe I can just get by with feeling mediocre about myself. You know that whole "well I'm not a horrible person but I clearly cannot do get anything right!" What is that saying? First of all, it's a lie. No, I'm NOT a horrible person, and No, I cannot get EVERYTHING right. But can I get some things right? Certainly. Let's be realistic.

I believe what it says in 1 Corinthians 3:16, "You realize, don't you, that you are the temple of God, and God himself is present in you? No one will get by with vandalizing God's temple, you can be sure of that. God's temple is sacred—and you, remember, are the temple."

Did you catch that? NO ONE WILL GET BY WITH VANDALIZING GOD's TEMPLE. Not even the guys who are the groundskeepers for the temples (meaning us). No one will get by with it. So why, if we know that scripture says we won't get away with it, do we continue to vandalize our beautiful and ornate temples that God himself built us to be? Should we fix the places in our selves where we've developed character flaws and poor habits? Certainly, that's not vandalization, that's revitalization! Should we be quick to make improvements and additions when necessary, reasonable, and genuinely desired? Again, Certainly! Adding new dimensions to who we are, what we can do or be, and the things we enjoy can augment the temple God built and can be a wonderful element to it's beautification. We cannot, however, pretend to be things we aren't or make excuses for (or deny) our personal flaws both physical and spiritually/personality-wise.

Using any sort of defense mechanism, even if it's semi-honest is validating the lie that what you are or are not, is not good enough. This gives the enemy a foothold to convince you of other lies about who you are and what you're capable of.

Soldiers who were drafted weren't always confident that they could do what was being required of them. Neither were they sure that they even WANTED to do those things, much less to do them well. Those men knew that they weren't selected because someone believed in them and saw a specific purpose in them. They knew that the only reason they were in the military at all was because of a need for body count. They didn't need (insert name here) from Augusta, Georgia who made a 1400 on the SAT and who shot perfectly in their entrance exam, has perfect health/ physical shape, can program computers and wrestle bears into submission. They just needed all the guys who fell sort-of within a given age range. Talk about questioning your placement!

But it says in 1 Peter 2:9-10, "But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of priestly work, chosen to be a holy people, God's instruments to do his work and speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you—from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted."
And GOD says, "You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won't spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you." John 15:16

That spells it out that God chose each of us for a purpose and dream specific to us individually, but intertwined in to help facilitate God's overall dream! Does THAT not speak value and worth!? I think it does. That's the thing I try to remember on those hard days when looking myself in the eye seems nearly impossible. God created me for a reason. He fashioned me together this way and He had every one of my days planned out before even the first one had passed. He thinks tenderly of me and sees me as great! I can't escape His love and I can't hide from His sight. He loves me. (Psalm 139)

When we can look at ourselves both physically and metaphorically and say confidently: I am loved. I have a purpose specific to me and I can be a huge danger for the enemy!, we not only empower ourselves by our Faith in Christ to be able to do that work that was specifically set before us, but we silently empower others to do the same.

There's a quote that helps remind me of this and I've used it for several people when they don't see the point, or sense the urgency, of becoming who God has outlined for us to be. It's from Akeelah and the Bee and the character is quoting from Marianne Williamson (but is often attributed to Nelson Mandela), but anyway, it says this:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.


Effective believers believe in the power of the Spirit through them. It's not a cocky thing or a self-important kind of thing. It's an understanding that God made us and HE positions us exactly where He wants us so that we can make a great and huge difference in winning souls for the kingdom and even in simply softening hearts to the idea of Christ. But we have to think that we are worth something. I love what it says in Isaiah talking about Jacob and how and why he was chosen,

'But now, God's Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place,
it won't be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That's how much you mean to me!
That's how much I love you!
I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.
So don't be afraid: I'm with you.
I'll round up all your scattered children,
pull them in from east and west.
I'll send orders north and south:
'Send them back.
Return my sons from distant lands,
my daughters from faraway places.
I want them back, every last one who bears my name,
every man, woman, and child
Whom I created for my glory,
yes, personally formed and made each one.'" Isaiah 43: 1-7

If you want to be effective at whatever God has directed you to set your hand to, you have to start thinking of yourself as a holy priesthood, a chosen generation, a redeemed glory. Not that you in yourself are great or can be great, you can't. But that Christ in you can be the difference and can set you up to accomplish gigantic things for His namesake. It starts with looking in the mirror...



---
Other verses for those hard days:

"Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We don't play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing." Ephesians 2:7-10

"So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it." Colossians 3:12-14

"Every time we think of you, we thank God for you. Day and night you're in our prayers as we call to mind your work of faith, your labor of love, and your patience of hope in following our Master, Jesus Christ, before God our Father. It is clear to us, friends, that God not only loves you very much but also has put his hand on you for something special. When the Message we preached came to you, it wasn't just words. Something happened in you. The Holy Spirit put steel in your convictions." 1 Thessalonians 1:2-5

My Confessions...

(I get in this mood from time to time...)

I eat animal crackers.
Generally I rehearse important conversations over and over before they happen.
If I watch movies with sub-titles, I imagine what their voices would sound like in English.
I prefer snuggling to pretty much anything else.
There are old friends that I still want to stay close with that don't care a thing about me now.
Probably once a week, I wish I had an afro.
I quote songs and books in everyday conversation, sometimes without crediting the author.
There are weeks at a time when all I want to eat is breakfast cereal. Strange.
I want a black (or champagne) diamond in lieu of a traditional diamond.
Simultaneously, I wish to have very long dark hair, and very short white hair.
I love junk food, especially M&M's- any version.
I have baby names picked out but refuse to tell them to people for fear they'll get used before I have a kid.
95% of the time I wish I had more friends... and more time.
I love girly music. I admit it.
I have one tortured piano student! Haha... she's great!
When I was little, I wanted to grow up and be a back-up dancer... or Lauryn Hill. Not lying.
I have WAY more clothes than I need or even wear.
I know Spanish... but I'm petrified of speaking it in public.
I want more tattoos than I have body surface area to put them on
I'm paranoid that I'm not funny so sometimes I try too hard.
Kevin Kelly spurred my avoidance to Passion music.
Using the words of Carrie Bowen, "I'm a closer!" :)
I average episodes of Song-envy about 3 times a day.
I'm a die-hard Lostie!
I hate deciding where to eat. Just decide for me please!
I was born in the wrong era. I would've been the ultimate peace-movement hippie right along with John Lennon!
I heart Citizen Cope (for reals!)
Fairies are wonderful! I secretly love them. Ferngully and Tinkerbell... all of 'em.
I never sing the part of the song that people remember... I usually start from the beginning but sometimes I just pick my favorite lyric.
I am still embarrassed every time someone asks me what I'm gonna do after graduation. At this point, I think even if I HAD an answer I'd still be embarrassed.
I don't like people (other than the inner circle) knowing my business. It drives my mom nuts.
When I'm bored, I write down the lyrics to whatever song is stuck in my head. My school notebooks are full of entire songs.
I used to buy sharpies in every color you can imagine so that I could use them in class and stay focused. I stopped buying them when I realized that I just use them for drawing pictures in class instead of actual note-taking.
I'm obsessed with lanterns. It's a bit ridiculous.

And oh so much more to come...

Finally...

I am on Spring Break!

I am sincerely thankful that my hometown is famous for it's championship golf week in April. I am even more grateful that, because I drive past the glorious Magnolia Way EVERY DAY on my way to school, the entire CSRA (Central Savannah River Area- for the non-locals) cancels school for the week and my family tends to get the heck out of town! I only had to spend 2 days in the yellow fog of pollen before escaping into the glorious, although a bit windy, beach weather. No wonder these people live happier. They have spanish moss AND no pollen smog.

Regardless, I'm taking the week for my personal siesta from life.
Yes, I graduate in 30-something days.
No, I do NOT have a plan for what I'm going to do afterward.

Fear is a funny thing. It takes many different approaches into settling into our lives. For me it starts as a small passing thought and snowballs into an overwhelming sense of depression. I am constantly concerned about the future of my life and love. I am continually reminded that time waits for no one, and I am already 25 and unmarried (don't worry people, I'll get there!). A new concern, that yes, I generally joke about, is my graying hair and my ticking maternal clock. The largest and most looming at this point is what will become of me in October?

I've been told that I will be able to keep my job at Center for Primary Care Central through September. This came as a great relief because I felt certain that I would have to leave when I finish classes (and have the need of full-time money). I know that somewhere, somehow God has a place and a plan for me. But today... it feels like wilderness on all fronts. Yes, there is provision and there is blessing. But there is also confusion and worry and circling a deserted land. For the sake of others, I won't go into detail but the gist is that some days I am afraid and worried and question the hand of God on my life. Does this attitude remove his hand? Absolutely not! In fact, I believe that my ability to speak (and sometimes scream) that out to God is the most honest thing that I can do toward him. My questions and fears do not insult or injure God. They don't detract from his ability or the faceted-nature of his personality and good-will. I am afraid. God is bigger than that.

Easy to say, hard to believe sometimes. I have dreams and I hold to promises that I can neither manipulate into realty nor see evident now. My typical desire is to just force the puzzle pieces to fit even when they clearly don't. I see one corner of the final work completed and I instinctively know what the rest of the picture should be like. AND the order and timing of all the messy pieces. And along, I'm confident God is watching saying, "Maybe this time you'll trust me. Don't you trust me? I cannot fail you, remember? I want you to win because your heart is good! Just let me lead you." And I move along headstrong in the wrong direction because in selfishness, I convince myself that I know best.

Perhaps the reason that this particular season in my life is so "petrifying" is because I'm making a genuine effort to not do that this time. I want to be right in the middle of where God wants me right now and tomorrow, not just 30 years from now. There is a verse that I keep paraphrasing in my head when I am overwhelmed by the "bigness" of this season, It's from Psalm 139, which we use so often to address worth and body image issues, but I have a tad different way of thinking than most. See, when I read Psalm 139, I get the hints about body image and worth, but the main thing I gather is that God sees ME. He knows my name and he knew every moment of mine before even a single day had passed. This says to me that God has an answer and solution prepared and refined to perfection far before I even know there's an issue to be discussed. (I read from the Message version a lot because it makes more sense to me. Please don't criticize that, I just want to understand and connect what I'm reading otherwise what's the point!?)

Psalm 139: 14-16

You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

I have yet to learn something profound about fear, worry, provision, and the timing and plans of God. All I know is that when major changes are made, when projects fail, when light shines on the dark hidden things, I want to be found telling the truth and living in the hand of God. So for now, I look for verses and I connect with the ones about fear and worry. My heart today is somewhere in Deuteronomy wandering with the Children of Israel.



Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice. Isaiah 41: 10

(For the Lord thy God is a merciful God;) he will not forsake thee, neither destroy thee, nor forget the covenant of thy fathers which he sware unto them. Deuteronomy 4:31

Be strong, courageous, and firm; fear not nor be in terror before them, for it is the Lord your God Who goes with you; He will not fail you or forsake you. Deuteronomy 31: 6

It is the Lord Who goes before you; He will [march] with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; [let there be no cowardice or flinching, but] fear not, neither become broken [in spirit--depressed, dismayed, and unnerved with alarm]. Deuteronomy 31: 8

****
For me, graduation is not only the ending of a life long educational pursuit, but a beginning to a mystery. And for once, I'm not trying to solve the mystery on my own.

By the way...

It occurred to me that in all the hustle and bustle and blogging on a new project, I've forgotten to mention it here since my originally very vague post several months back. (Remember this?)

I'm allowed to help!! And I'm loving every minute of it.
Yes I Am is a newly formed organization that was the heart-child of singer, songwriter (and dear, dear friend) Carrie Bowen. Carrie's daughter, Maisey, is the literal inspiration for the whole undertaking, explaining to her mom that at 5, she too can make a difference right there where she is. Carrie continues to be moved by her darling girl as she writes and records her first solo worship album entitled, "Nightlight" which is to be released on June 13th, 2010. All the proceeds from this album will go directly to Yes I Am whose main project goals involve Biju Thampy's Vision Rescue, and Beth Moore's Hand of Hope Ministries.

To see the Story Behind "Yes I Am" as told by Carrie Bowen click here.


You can follow the Yes I Am blog at www.YesIam-Us.blogspot.com and follow us on twitter @YesIAmUS

Right now a promotion is going on to win heart shaped nightlights (that match the Carrie Bowen "Nightlight" album cover!) by being the 15th, 20th, or 25th person to follow the Yes I Am blog. The 30th person to follow the Yes I Am blog will receive a free copy of the "Nightlight" album! Follow us on the blog and on twitter to stay updated on events and ideas and giving opportunities! You never know when we'll be in your area!!!

Hungry? (As posted on YesIAm-Us.Blogspot.com)

Have you ever been hungry? I mean REALLY hungry; so hungry that you literally ached?

Have you ever wanted to feed someone else, but knew that you didn't really have the money? Or maybe you've wanted to feed those people you see on the commercials with the distended bellies but you knew you'd probably never get to go all the way to their country. Has that ever happened?

Visit the Hunger Site. Just by clicking on the yellow button (which costs you nothing but a few seconds of your time) you can generate the funds from sponsors to provide staple foods through Mercy Corps, Feeding America (formerly America's Second Harvest), and Millennium Promise. Every cent that is paid by sponsors to advertise on the Hunger Site's page goes to these charitable partners. Funds are divided between the partners and their projects and are able to feed hungry people in Africa, Asia, Eastern Europe, the Middle East, Latin America and North America.

"The Hunger Site was founded to focus the power of the Internet on a specific humanitarian need: the eradication of world hunger. Since its launch in June 1999, the site has established itself as a leader in online activism, helping to feed the world's hungry. On average, over 220,000 individuals from around the world visit the site each day to click the yellow 'Click Here to Give - it's FREE' button. To date, more than 300 million visitors have given more than 671 million cups of staple food." (taken from their How Does the Hunger Site Work? section).

The Hunger Site also offers a myriad of other ways to help. One is to visit the Hunger Site Store where the shipping is always $3.95 and you always have the option to show your support and spread the word. The Hunger Site Store also offers items that have been fairly-traded and various handcrafted items from across our world to help generate funding to pull families and communities out of the poverty and hunger cycle.


You know you're gonna shop and you KNOW you're gonna peruse the internet. Why not do it with love in mind?

Cost.

I lead a small group of middle school girls. Can I just say right here, that if you've ever swore middle schoolers can not hear from the Lord or think deeper than the next five minutes, you have it perfectly wrong. See every week, I let them write down anything in the universe that they want to pray about, in a little square notepad. Back in the fall, I let them decorate the box that I bring with me every week that carries my Bible, my attendance notebook, extra pens and the notepad for prayer requests and questions. They had decorated the box (more like a basket really) with ribbons and strings that I'd brought along with me one night. It was quite a hilarious sight! But overtime the torn out slips with prayer requests scratched down onto them were kind of overtaking the basket so I felt the need to purge. Not that I'm throwing these pages away. Not yet... I couldn't bring myself to do that. I just needed to thin out the things that I carry with me every week.

Needless to say, I was in tears within minutes reading those precious little prayer solicitations. These girls know about what happening in the world and in our church. They understand the tensions that occur between believers and those with little to no moral conviction. My darling girls have prayed for everything and everyone they can think of, sometimes making long lists on their pages. But what I think touched me most is when they were honest enough to pray for themselves. "Pray for me at school to do well and meet new and good friends." "My mouth is in severe pain. I got my braces tightened and it doesn't feel good!" "Help my friend and my relationship." "I'm sick and I hate being sick." "Pray that I'll find some Christian friends at school so I won't feel so angry and alone hanging out with people who cuss and hate God and stuff."

My breaking point: "I want to get saved. I want to do good things and become a girl God has called me to be instead of doing things to get attention."

Thank you, Lord for calling me to a place that costs so much! Being a small group leader is hard work and it can be exhausting. But HOW FANTASTIC to have seen so much progress in my girls and such great promise in them!? I love each girl in a very different way and for very different reasons. They are each very strong and each full of grace and beauty ready to offer the world. I think the reason that last request moved me so greatly is that I may have actually inspired them to realize that they matter! Each girl, each name on the page, each set of bright and sparkling eyes, each eager mouth and each nervous hand MATTER. Learning to love others and love God can be easily inspired, but learning to love yourself is a hard task and not easily attainable when you're faced with the challenges of middle school! It's not necessarily something that I did or said, CLEARLY. But I got to be a part of it! How great a reward for what seems somedays like a hefty cost?! The cost is nominal when compared to the joyous treasures returned back.

Serving costs.

And serving pays.

I care.

MeaganAmanda invites you to SocialVibe.com

Are You Somebody?

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us -- don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

~Emily Dickinson

What do you think she was trying to say? If you know anything about Emily Dickinson, you know that after returning from Female Seminary, she was extremely content to be a recluse, never leaving her Massachusetts home. Later in life she even had a hard time leaving her bedroom. Most of her relationships were maintained by mail, eliminating the need for her to engage in social settings like parties or luncheons or whatever else they used to do in groups during the 1800s.

Contrast this attitude with that of today. Everyone wants to famous. Everyone wants to be chased by the paparazzi; even the people that ARE celebrities! Half of them call photographers ahead of time to make sure they know where they can catch a good picture of all the glitz and gossip. Even high schoolers want to be somebody. Have you ever noticed the cattiness that comes out during Superlative Week? Or Homecoming Nominations? Good grief. It's borderline obscene.

But among all the "Somebodies" of today, how many somebodies are there REALLY? To be SOMEBODY means that you leave a mark on the world, that you fight for something bigger than you, that people (maybe not thousands of people but people none the less) are inspired by your action and compassion, that you are proud of the life that you lead, that you fail with grace and honor, and that at the end of your life, you have exhausted every fulfilling opportunity afford you. That is to be somebody. That you give all you are and all you possess for Love.

Are you Somebody?